Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. You don’t win friends with salad. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity.

Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about! Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. I didn’t get rich by signing checks. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

You don’t win friends with salad. Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.